90-10 the practice that not only changed my life, but saved my life. I really, really, really do not like it when people are unhappy with me. Ok, not all people, just all the people that I care about (which is only the majority of the world's population, or roughly, everybody). It is painful, uncomfortable, icky. People used to tell me all the time, "Not everyone is going to like you, Amina." And, I would nod along to what I knew was true, but in my head, I would secretly think, "I could get them to like me if I really wanted to." And, in that thought, was born my co-dependent personality behavior. I can be happy, if everyone around me is also simultaneously happy. Unfortunately, people around me did not stay happy and thus really inconvenienced this Utopian way of life I wanted to live.
Worst of all - I caught myself in all kinds of manipulative behaviors to try to make other people happy, so that I, too, could be happy. This formula lead to a lot of unhappiness. Then, I was talking to Tamara Green, one of my favorite coaches in the whole world, and she asked me to practice 90/10. 90% of the time, I was to tend to my needs, my happiness, my wants, and my desires. 10% of the time, I was to tend to the needs, happiness, wants and desires of other people. I was living 90/10 already, just 90/10 the opposite direction. Tamara's advice seemed impossible, and I told her so. She reminded me it was a practice and a mindset and asked me to boldly take it on. She also had a lot of faith in my ability to do this (I, admittedly, had no faith in my ability to do this, but total faith in my willingness to try). I told a friend of mine about it, and she started practicing it right away to amazing results. As happy as I was for her, this did not help me. Now this was impossible and only worked for other people.
I tried hard to do 90/10. The only way I could practice it was by reading. When I was over giving, I would stop, go upstairs, pick up a book and read. I love to read. It brings me great joy. Leaving icky situations and reading was my 90/10 practice. I literally did not know how to practice giving myself 90% of my own attention. This was the only tangible thing I could think of to do to practice. Then the miracle happened. You know the miracle. It is the thing that only you can understand how miraculous it is. I could spend pages explaining it to you all in painstaking detail, and it would be like, "really, that is your miracle? That is my Tuesday afternoon." So... I won't do that. Instead, I will say, I was in a familiar position. Someone who I loved dearly was less than thrilled with me and I was unable to function. So upset that I had made a mistake. So upset that I had missed the signs they were sending and stepped into a crappy situation and made it worse. I could easily see every little thing I did wrong in this situation. And, I started to cry (also my go to) and then all of a sudden I stopped. I said to myself, you are ok. I got up, went to my room, got in bed, and started reading my book. I was so happy, engrossed in the story. I almost (but not quite) forgot that someone was even upset with me.
Since that miraculous night, I have not yet gone back. Sure, there are days when I am no where near 90/10, but they are few and far between. I have come to see how doing what is best for me, is truly best for every single person around me. When I am truly aligned to my purpose, my passion and my mission, the people around me are not inconvenienced, there is no sacrifice, we all win. I have no idea how the physics of this work, which is why I think it is a miracle. There have been numerous examples. Days where I have not felt like cooking happen to be the exact same day that my husband wanted to go out to dinner. Days I have not felt like working, clients have called to apologize and ask if we can reschedule. The Universe keeps showing up and taking care of me. 90/10 could also be called follow your joy.
The best thing you could do for anyone that you love, is be happy! And the very worst thing that you could do for anyone that you love, is be unhappy, and then ask them to to try to change it, when there is nothing that anybody else can do that will make you happy. If it is your dominant intent to hold yourself in vibrational harmony with who you really are, you could never offer any action that would cause anybody else to be unhappy. - Excerpted from Chicago, IL - Sunday, April 25th, 1999
The best part of all of this is how all of the relationships in my life have changed. Now, instead of thinking/feeling/saying, "don't you understand how hard this is for me and I could use some support...", I say, "this is hard for me, I need to take care of myself so I have the means to handle this situation." Everyone is off the hook. I GOT THIS! Yes, really I do. I am amazed at how many things I can handle. Things I thought were so scary are really not. As soon as I started practicing 90/10, I realized that I can handle more than I ever thought possible, which has sky rocketed my self confidence through the roof.
However, the first step was the hardest. That step required me to be very present. To hear what was being asked of me and to bravely follow my heart. These are steps I can do easily in many situations, but not when it comes to the people I love the most. I have a hard time saying no to them. I don't want to. I want to be there for them. What I realized is that I am capable of giving so much more to those that I love when I take great care of myself. This June, in Adventures with Amina (my free Facebook group), we are going to spend the month truly loving, honoring and taking care of ourselves, so that there is more us to give to the world! I hope you join us.
Learn more about Tamara Green at http://www.tamaragreen.me/
Hi! Welcome to my blog, Lunch with Cinderella. I love writing about my life experiences and the fact that they may help spur some cool experiences of your own. If you are here, leave a comment... I read them all and love hearing from you!
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