90-10 the practice that not only changed my life, but saved my life. I really, really, really do not like it when people are unhappy with me. Ok, not all people, just all the people that I care about (which is only the majority of the world's population, or roughly, everybody). It is painful, uncomfortable, icky. People used to tell me all the time, "Not everyone is going to like you, Amina." And, I would nod along to what I knew was true, but in my head, I would secretly think, "I could get them to like me if I really wanted to." And, in that thought, was born my co-dependent personality behavior. I can be happy, if everyone around me is also simultaneously happy. Unfortunately, people around me did not stay happy and thus really inconvenienced this Utopian way of life I wanted to live.
Worst of all - I caught myself in all kinds of manipulative behaviors to try to make other people happy, so that I, too, could be happy. This formula lead to a lot of unhappiness. Then, I was talking to Tamara Green, one of my favorite coaches in the whole world, and she asked me to practice 90/10. 90% of the time, I was to tend to my needs, my happiness, my wants, and my desires. 10% of the time, I was to tend to the needs, happiness, wants and desires of other people. I was living 90/10 already, just 90/10 the opposite direction. Tamara's advice seemed impossible, and I told her so. She reminded me it was a practice and a mindset and asked me to boldly take it on. She also had a lot of faith in my ability to do this (I, admittedly, had no faith in my ability to do this, but total faith in my willingness to try). I told a friend of mine about it, and she started practicing it right away to amazing results. As happy as I was for her, this did not help me. Now this was impossible and only worked for other people.
I tried hard to do 90/10. The only way I could practice it was by reading. When I was over giving, I would stop, go upstairs, pick up a book and read. I love to read. It brings me great joy. Leaving icky situations and reading was my 90/10 practice. I literally did not know how to practice giving myself 90% of my own attention. This was the only tangible thing I could think of to do to practice. Then the miracle happened. You know the miracle. It is the thing that only you can understand how miraculous it is. I could spend pages explaining it to you all in painstaking detail, and it would be like, "really, that is your miracle? That is my Tuesday afternoon." So... I won't do that. Instead, I will say, I was in a familiar position. Someone who I loved dearly was less than thrilled with me and I was unable to function. So upset that I had made a mistake. So upset that I had missed the signs they were sending and stepped into a crappy situation and made it worse. I could easily see every little thing I did wrong in this situation. And, I started to cry (also my go to) and then all of a sudden I stopped. I said to myself, you are ok. I got up, went to my room, got in bed, and started reading my book. I was so happy, engrossed in the story. I almost (but not quite) forgot that someone was even upset with me.
Since that miraculous night, I have not yet gone back. Sure, there are days when I am no where near 90/10, but they are few and far between. I have come to see how doing what is best for me, is truly best for every single person around me. When I am truly aligned to my purpose, my passion and my mission, the people around me are not inconvenienced, there is no sacrifice, we all win. I have no idea how the physics of this work, which is why I think it is a miracle. There have been numerous examples. Days where I have not felt like cooking happen to be the exact same day that my husband wanted to go out to dinner. Days I have not felt like working, clients have called to apologize and ask if we can reschedule. The Universe keeps showing up and taking care of me. 90/10 could also be called follow your joy.
The best thing you could do for anyone that you love, is be happy! And the very worst thing that you could do for anyone that you love, is be unhappy, and then ask them to to try to change it, when there is nothing that anybody else can do that will make you happy. If it is your dominant intent to hold yourself in vibrational harmony with who you really are, you could never offer any action that would cause anybody else to be unhappy. - Excerpted from Chicago, IL - Sunday, April 25th, 1999
The best part of all of this is how all of the relationships in my life have changed. Now, instead of thinking/feeling/saying, "don't you understand how hard this is for me and I could use some support...", I say, "this is hard for me, I need to take care of myself so I have the means to handle this situation." Everyone is off the hook. I GOT THIS! Yes, really I do. I am amazed at how many things I can handle. Things I thought were so scary are really not. As soon as I started practicing 90/10, I realized that I can handle more than I ever thought possible, which has sky rocketed my self confidence through the roof.
However, the first step was the hardest. That step required me to be very present. To hear what was being asked of me and to bravely follow my heart. These are steps I can do easily in many situations, but not when it comes to the people I love the most. I have a hard time saying no to them. I don't want to. I want to be there for them. What I realized is that I am capable of giving so much more to those that I love when I take great care of myself. This June, in Adventures with Amina (my free Facebook group), we are going to spend the month truly loving, honoring and taking care of ourselves, so that there is more us to give to the world! I hope you join us.
Learn more about Tamara Green at http://www.tamaragreen.me/
The hardest part about writing this post, was coming up with the title. I have been asked quite a bit lately for support by people, because their Significant Other, or Best Friend, or Parent, or, someone else close to them, thinks they are NUTS for believing in manifesting, law of attraction, etc to solve ACTUAL problems. They come for validation. They also may come secretly for the, "so there" to these people in their lives. I thought... why not write about how to handle situations when the one you love does not see what you see.
I write a lot about changing other people's behavior, which cracks me up, because, we all know... you can't. But... you kind of can. Let me explain. Newton's third law of physics states, "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". That is what I will use to walk through the process to change someone else's behavior.
In every interaction you have, the person you are interacting with is, reacting to you.
Other Person + You = Interaction Outcome
In order to change the outcome of the interaction, either you or the other person have to change. And, since you can control your behavior, we focus on changing the variable that is YOU. When we do this, the following will happen, either the other person will change, or, the interaction outcome will change, or... BOTH will change. Here is how you get BOTH to change.
1. Allow the other person to be right. I will be brief on this one, but it could be its own post. If you honestly think about it, no one really ever thinks they are the one that is wrong, in the moment. (We can see it after the fact, or sometimes we can see it in the moment, but most of the time, people truly believe they did what they had to do and were right to do it). So, your love, DOES NOT think they are wrong. And, they DO think YOU are wrong! There is a saying that I love, would you rather be right or happy? Many of us, may say, happy, but in reality, our behavior chooses being right over happy most of the time.
Let's use an example of this. "This LOA stuff is good for finding parking spaces, but we have real financial issues that need you to take action!". Your response, "you are right". I can feel some people cringing at that response. That is it? But, I do not agree! When do I tell them how truly WRONG they are?
Here is the truth. They are right, by their perspective. Allowing someone to have their perspective is a huge gift and the number one way to lower resistance to hearing your perspective. If they believe that statement, then, by their life experience, they are right. Let them have it. This will not result in hours of stress reduction for you, but is a KEY component in shifting the outcome of the formula above. Your new affirmation, "I love letting other people be right" (because I know I benefit)!
2. Ask for the Guidance. There are no accidents in the School of Life. We are all students on our own, unique spiritual path. And, this person, whether you love them or have only interacted with them one time, is your teacher. They are there to allow you to truly learn a life lesson that is trying to get through to you. This is not the first time this lesson has come up, and unfortunately, if you resist, it will not be the last time. I tell my coaching clients, "let's learn it this time and never have to deal with it again".
For this step, get quiet, go inside, and ask:
Wait to hear each answer and know that you are healing a pattern that is no longer serving you.
3. Be Loving to Them. When we go to someone with our idea or thoughts, we want their love and support. We are reaching out to them. When we do not get it, we withhold our love. We believe our pain comes from them withholding love from us. In reality, your pain comes from withholding love from them.
When your love disagrees with you, pour more love onto them. Be a good partner to them, by listening to their perspective and ideas and validating them. Ask them:
The truth is this person loves you. More than likely, they are worried about your path and afraid you will get hurt or they will get hurt. They are in a protective stance. By hearing them out and validating them, you create a lot more space for the change.
4. Walk the Talk. This is the HARDEST one! I know, they are all challenging! At the end of the day, if you want to be a loving being, then, be that to the people closest to you. I would never recommend starting with the people closest to you, because it is the most challenging. It is much easier to be loving and kind to a stranger than your significant other, children, parents. Basically, the people you love the most in the world and would die for - but also like to get annoyed at on a regular basis.
Here is how you walk the talk:
Hi! Welcome to my blog, Lunch with Cinderella. I love writing about my life experiences and the fact that they may help spur some cool experiences of your own. If you are here, leave a comment... I read them all and love hearing from you!
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