Why is this happening to me?
A question I hear all the time and one that both those who believe in Law of Attraction and those on a spiritual path want the answer to. The answer is simpler than you think, but as many of the things I talk about, simple is not easy.
There are a number of reasons that "bad" things happen. In my belief, we have to get from point A to point B in life. We go where we are needed. While we can resist for some time, eventually, we have to get there and it may take a "big" thing happening to get us to point B. Put in other words, we weren't going gently, so we get pushed there. However, I find that when this happens, people want to know why this happened and want an explanation. In my experience, there are three things that you should avoid doing in these cases.
1. Do not ask yourself, "how did I create this?"
It is a great question and practice in manifesting to look at your thoughts to understand how you created the outcomes you are getting. However, when something bad happens, the question, how did I create this is just a way to cause more hurt and pain. I believe we can create "negative" events in our life by focusing on them, but I believe more strongly, that we REALLY, REALLY, REALLY have to focus hard on the negative events to create them. Unless you are walking around thinking of terrible things happening to you over and over again on a repeat loop, you probably did not manifest it. In fact, you probably are manifesting something great and awesome, and this is the path that God and the Universe have chosen to get you there. It reminds me of a poster of a hamster in a maze, who chews his way through the walls and makes a beeline to the cheese. Must have been painful, but he got there real quick. While it seems bad, it may in fact be part of the process. When bad things happen to us, we let go of a lot of unnecessary pain. It is like when we are physically sick, like with a cold, we don't do our normal daily routine, because we don't have the energy for it. When emotionally trying times occur, we don't do our normal drama routine, because we are too sad or too exhausted to run our program. You did not create this negative outcome, or heck, maybe you did. Either way, its not a big deal because you are on your path to where you need to be.
2. Believe you can overpower a bad situation.
Bad situations are just that, bad situations. I have a number of coaching clients who are convinced they can overcome these, turn them around, change the person's mind, change the outcome. I am sure some of them can... they are pretty determined. But, why? Sometimes, when things do not go our way, our pride and ego can get hurt. We feel we need it to be different so we can feel whole and complete. But, we do not need any outcome to feel whole and complete. Just because someone said no, the deal fell through, the test result was not what you expected, is not a cause to go into overdrive to turn that situation around. If you really want to turn the situation around, accept it. Nothing turns things around faster than acceptance. If you can accept what is happening, and accept that it is really not the end of the world, then if there is a chance for it to turn around, it will. If you have to "work hard" to convince someone of an outcome, it is too much energy in the wrong direction. It is time to follow my favorite Abraham advice and let go of the oars and float downstream. Everything you want is downstream.
3. Convince yourself that you must stick with this so you can learn this lesson... and therefore never have this experience again.
Yes, and yes, I agree with this one, but to an extent. We do repeat lessons in life until we learn what we have come to learn from it. But, if you are in a bad situation that gets worse by the moment, what exactly are you trying to learn from that? If you have done your part, released it to God and the Universe, prayed for the other person's happiness, asked for Guidance and to be shown a different way, and bad behavior continues, it may be time to ask yourself the hard question. "Why am I choosing to stay in this experience?". We choose to stay in experiences for lots of reasons - some that make sense, many that do not. Getting honest with yourself about why you are choosing to stay in a particular experience is a good first step. For most of us, we stay because we are scared of the unknown. Ending an experience, whether that means leaving a job, a person, a place, can seem scary. And, because ending has so many feelings with it, most of us have a hard time doing so in a loving way. If you see this experience is no longer benefiting you, instead of "leaving" and "ending" it, why not set the stage for a new experience with the same factors. If you choose you are going to have an experience of joy, freedom, and happiness, then your current environment will either rise up to meet you or it will not. And, if it does not, then I ask you, "what are you pretending not to know?" I believe in magical outcomes and I also believe, God helps those that help themselves. Sometimes, having the courage to say, this is not working the way it is, and I want to make it better, is the best route. And, sometimes, you realize you have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt, and it is time for you to be honest about the experience you are having and the one you would rather be having.
I look around the world today and there is a lot of pain and hurt in the world. The number of people who are checking out using drugs of some sort or alcohol seems to be getting worse. The are people who cannot handle what is happening in the world and are spending time looking for who to blame instead of creating solutions. And, many people have lost the ability to connect without the use of a device, to just be present. When you look at who you are dealing with, the person or situation that is causing you grief, ask yourself a few questions:
- Is this person able to be there for themselves?
- Does this person have a good, solid relationship with themselves?
- Does this person have a good, solid relationship with a higher Source?
If the answers to these questions are no, then how can you expect this person to be in a solid, relationship with you? When we allow others to dictate or direct our experience, we step out of alignment with ourselves. And, we are too quick to listen to advice of people who have not done their own work. People who have done their work are cautious at best when telling you what to do with your life and they understand, it is all about the experience and your path and that you will get there.
For where I am in my growth, I need more self love and self compassion. I am not talking manicures and massages, I am talking about seeing who I really am and why I am here. And, there is a lot of noise out there. There are "bad" situations that come up and seem to demand my time and attention, and beg for me to suffer. There are many well meaning people who want me to stand up for myself or tell them this or tell them that, but that is not my path. My path is one of the greatest possible growth for me. I know that some of my greatest moments of growth came from heart break, being weak and sick, losing my step, being lonely. Some of my greatest growth came from the "bad" times. It is up to me to determine how bad the time is by how much I am willing to suffer about the situation. Life will continue with its up and downs, and we can spend time analyzing each one of them and suffering, or we can tune in and trust the divine flow of life. Choose to be grateful and at peace, regardless of what is happening around you, to the best of your ability. You will see this is the most powerful way to navigate life.
I am concurrently completing a module about being at peace and a module on self compassion. Surprisingly, or maybe not, they have the same message, being in a state of peace, is the ultimate self love, self care, self compassion, spiritual, giving, thing you can do. From this state of inner peace, anything you do or say, can only create good, because of the deep intention under it. Getting to this state, is a lifelong (for most of us) practice.
I started thinking about something I say all the time... When babies come into this world, they come in complete and whole. They are small, they are defenseless, and they do not know how to act in this world, but they are not in any way, incomplete. Yet, as we grow, we start to believe we are more and more incomplete. We are always seeking for knowledge, teachers, peoples and experiences to complete us. And, the more of those we get, the more we seek. At any time, I am reading at least three books on some way to improve my life; my already pretty-darn-wonderful-and-fully-complete life.
I do not think this will end my addiction to learning, nor do I think it needs to, but instead, help us all think about how we use self improvement. If you are already complete, then you really don't need to read this book, take the training, or read this blog to be better. You are already full and complete. Then you can choose to learn something new, try a new experience, expand your horizon, from a place of self-confidence. I know I am full and complete, and now, I want to have a new experience. Then, no matter what the experience brings, you can see it for what it is. An opportunity to learn, an opportunity to explore, an opportunity to try something new.
I study all these spiritual texts and principles and they keep coming back to one thing. You are just as God created you - complete and whole. Any action you take from this place, with the desire to keep and extend your peace, will lead to the right experience for you for your greatest good and optimal learning. As humans, we sometimes learn more from the experiences that feel painful in the moment. But, think about so many of your wonderful accomplishments - if you played sports, or a musical instrument, or were in a play or gave a speech - you had to feel discomfort, you had to stretch and grow, to get that glow of achievement afterwards. Just because something is not comfortable in the moment, does not mean it is not for your highest good. Being in a state of peace does not mean you will never have an uncomfortable experience, it simply means, you will see it for what it is, without thinking this is somehow personal about you or that there is something wrong with you.
Sit with this question for a moment: "Am I whole and complete right now, exactly as I am?" If you answered no, think about why you feel that way. It is an illusion. If you fix or get whatever it is that you think will make you complete, will you truly feel complete then? The highest good you can do for yourself, your family, your friends and the world, is to truly believe you are whole and complete and then act from that place. And you are only whole and complete when you realize you are connected to a power far beyond any problem or issue in this world. You can call that your deep connection with God or Source.
When I joined a program where we were going to take conflict resolution skills to kids in Southeast DC, I had to go through some extensive training. To this day, some of the best training I have ever had in my life (National Coalition Building Institute). We had to do a lot of work on ourselves before we were sent out to meet with students. In this training, I learned about the Swiss Cheese model in conflict resolution. The Swiss Cheese model explained that anytime someone says or does anything that upsets, hurts, offends you, it is because it hit a hole within you that was not healed, and therefore is reacting to what someone said. As I have continued my personal journey, this has proved true time and time again. Anytime someone offends me, it is because I myself perceive myself to not be fully complete in this area. In the past, I would do numerous activities to try to make myself whole in that area. Recently, I have found, it is much simpler, though, perhaps more difficult, I am not sure... I have simply decided to remember the truth about myself: I am whole. And, any perception or feeling I have that I am not, is not true. The only thing I need to heal or fix is the thought I have could have a hole, that I could be incomplete. I can fill this perceived hole with the love and light of God and then simply move on with my life. This has been my journey to not suffering. For me, not suffering and keeping my peace, is directly related to remembering Who I Really Am, and that person is not an incomplete human being.
When I think of my coaching clients, I realize they spend a lot of time deciding if they should do x or y. In fact, many of us, spend a lot of time thinking about, researching, and analyzing decisions. With a variety of what ifs and if onlys, we tend to drive up our anxiety and stay more stuck than ever. Many times, this leads to rash decisions to just decide so we can move on.
But what if it was SO NOT about the decision? In LOA circles, we talk a lot about there not being such a thing as a bad experience or a wrong turn, that everything is for the highest good, even if you have no idea what that highest good is. If we believed that, then why do we struggle so much with deciding?
We struggle because we think we can get it right or wrong, and we think that is more important than the journey. Each decision, whatever it is, takes us on a journey deeper into our life path and is a new opportunity for healing. Each decision is set up for us to have an experience, in which, there is great benefit.
We tend to think of a "good: decision as one that makes us happy and a "bad: decision as one in which we suffer. In truth, suffering is always optional. We can suffer in "good" decisions just as easily as we can suffer in "bad" decisions and we can be at peace in "bad" decisions just as easily as we can be in peace in "good" decisions. Over the past few months, I have really been exercising this choice as to whether to suffer or not. I have realized, I can truly choose whether I want to suffer or do not want to suffer and it is pretty easy, once I became aware of my choice.
What does this mean for us? It means, "Don't sweat the small stuff" and, "It's all Small Stuff". Next time you have a decision to make, instead of being so focused on the pros and cons, sit with it. The feeling of it. Choose your intention for your own self. How can this help me be a stronger person? How can this bring me closer to God (Source)? What good can I create in the world with this? How can this increase my personal level of peace, love and joy? Don't answer those questions - just ask them. Put them out there. You want that path that will create the maximal healing opportunity for you. That path may be thorny, but that is ok, if it leads you to a higher place within your soul.
Instead of asking whether you should do X or Y, ask instead... How can I increase my personal level of peace in the face of this situation? How can I bring more love into the world based on this situation? There is always a need for more peace and more love. Use the "decision" as the event to increase your personal level of peace and love. When you do, the miracle occurs. The decision will decide itself and it will really be no decision at all. Try it and report back!
If you have been following me lately, you know I am in a determined state. In my groups, I have said this IS the Summer to Shift. I have decided no more of the limiting, small, beliefs that have kept me stuck (why did I let them keep my stuck) and have taken on so many cool practices. I started with a "No Suffering" practice. Then, I flowed into an "Is this love?" practice. As I was doing all of this, I start meditating morning and night (ok, sometimes, only one of those, sometimes none, but a heck of a lot more than I was before). And, now... I have come back to the cornerstone - TRUST.
Do you know what Amina means? Trustworthy. One who can be trusted... and, now this Amina, is working on being one that TRUSTs.
This August, in Adventures with Amina, we are going to be discussing an amazing book by my dear friend, Akshay Nanavati, called Fearvana. This book is the real deal, y'all. If you have not gotten it yet, check it out. Akshay did a great job explaining how our brain works, and most importantly, how you can change your brain. One of the big things that came up in this book is the pause between your animal brain's response to fear and your human (higher functioning) brain's use of logic. That pause. That is what meditation is for. That is what prayer is for. That is really what, I think, all spiritual practice is about. It is about catching that pause. Lately, I have been able to do it. I really credit the "No Suffering" practice for upping my awareness of this pause. Lately, I have gotten to the point where I can see the moment of pause. That's where today's topic comes in.
I got to this place of noticing the pause, but then, almost did not know what to do. I know I need to change the pattern, think a different thought, be happier, etc. But, how? I was freaking out and suffering and now, I am experiencing the pause, but still having the feelings. And, that is where gratitude comes in. I would just start chanting, Alhumdulillah. In Arabic, Alhumdulillah is translated as, All praise is to God. It is amazing how just using this one word in a moment of pause can create an automatic shift. There is something about the word and the sound itself, the sound of hamd, which is praise (adoring gratitude) that is just calming. There was a study done once on using a mantra during meditation, they found that any sound repeated could get you into a meditative state, even the word, hamburger. I find that the word, alhumdulillah, gets me there pretty quickly.
The next tool in the process has revelated itself. What I find even more amazing is what happens after I spend a moment in a state of Alhumdulillah. Next, guidance comes in. I seem to calm into a state of knowing what to do next. It is usually not anything difficult and an easy solution. And, I am left in awe, as to how easy life can be when we are in the flow. When we are fully trusting that this moment, like every other moment, is perfectly divine. I seem to calmly know what to do all of a sudden. All the time. I just know what to do. And, when I don't know what to do and start to feel that frenzied feeling, I go through the process:
1. Am I choosing to suffer? Can I decide to not suffer?
2. Is what is happening love or not love?
3. I am now fully in the state of Pause.
5. Guidance, ease, simplicity and flow.
I invite you to try it too! Look at my last few blog posts (which I referenced in this post) to watch my progression. I have to tell you all, it has been easier than I would have imagined. The hardest part is realizing I am suffering (sometimes, I suffer for hours before I am aware I am doing it). And, join us this month in Adventures with Amina to befriend our fear. I am loving everything Akshay is sharing about Fear and how we react when it shows up. It is perfectly timed with my personal life experience. There is just not much to fear and when we are in fear, it is a such a delicious opportunity to see how we think and make a new choice!
Hi! Welcome to my blog, Lunch with Cinderella. I love writing about my life experiences and the fact that they may help spur some cool experiences of your own. If you are here, leave a comment... I read them all and love hearing from you!
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